Disclaimer: What is there to disclaim, may I ask? If I made any money from my fics I would be retired by now.
The Invasion Of Monty Python
By The Huntress
Authors Note: I blame this ficlet on Mary, who told me she felt like Jack could use a little Monty Python influence. If you don't know Monty Python, this fic may confuse you
Not beta'd - All mistakes mine. I like my beta too much to give her this....
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SG1 exited the wormhole and were immediately set upon by a horde of Jaffa. They were captured and thrown into a cell, and told that Apophis was on the way and that the System Lord couldn't wait to see them again. Four Jaffa were placed outside their cell, armed with staff weapons and itchy trigger fingers.
The team quickly discussed a means for escape.
"We need a distraction," Jonas said.
"Gee, Jonas," Jack groaned, "ya think? And just how are we supposed to distract four armed Jaffa?"
"Teal'c," Daniel asked, "is there anything that can get a Jaffa's attention?"
"Carter could strip," Jack suggested.
"So could you sir," Sam fired back. "Teal'c tells me Jaffa go for men *and* women."
"They do?" Jack asked Teal'c.
"Indeed O'Neill. There are few women serving among the System Lords, so male Jaffa must seek pleasure other ways."
"Ah...scratch that."
"I'd like to see you strip sir," Jonas grinned.
"So would I," Daniel added.
"Not on missions," Sam told them.
"Aww, you're just upset because Janet never comes along," Jack snickered. "If she did, that rule would go right out the window."
"YeahSureYouBetcha," Sam muttered.
Teal'c thought for a moment. "Singing can be bothersome."
"Singing?" Jack raised an eyebrow.
"Jack," Daniel sighed, "you sing, they'll shoot you on the spot. *I'd* like to shoot you when you sing."
"You weren't complaining the other night when he was singing," Jonas nodded. "And I like your singing Jack...Colonel."
"That's because you're a suck-up," Daniel told him.
"Well, you taught me how to suck...up," Jonas grinned.
"I thought that was me," Jack pouted.
"No sir. You taught me other things," Jonas told him.
"I'm glad I taught you something."
"You can sing Daniel," Sam said. "I've heard you."
"That's right," Jack agreed. "You have perfect pitch. Go for it!"
Daniel narrowed his eyes. "Okay Jack. Oh, and feel free to join in if you want to." Daniel took a deep breath, and began to hum.
"Humming will not get their attention, DanielJackson."
"I'm just getting the tune right Teal'c," Daniel replied. "Let's see...okay...." And he began...by speaking. "Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen!"
"Oh no," Jack groaned. "He wouldn't."
Daniel stood by the cell door. "The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak!"
Sam pinched the bridge of her nose. "Oh yes he would sir. He is."
"The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!"
"I know this song sir," Jonas nodded happily.
Daniel began to shout. "With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!"
Jack buried his face in his hands. "Oh God...."
Daniel turned, grinning at them, and began to sing....
"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day." He smiled at his teammates, and received four stares in return. "I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea."
Jack and Sam looked at each other, shrugged, and both began to sing, totally offkey. "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day."
Daniel nodded to them. "I cut down trees. I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars."
They had the Jaffa's attentions now.
Jonas joined Sam and Jack, the three singing, "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day."
"I cut down trees. I wear high heels, suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Mama."
Teal'c raised his eyebrow and sang, in the most beautiful baritone. "He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, suspendies, and a bra...."
Jack glared at Daniel. "What's this?" Jack grabbed him by the shirt collar, pushing him against the wall. "Wants to be a girlie?!"
Sam pulled Daniel away from Jack, but held him the same way. "And I thought you were so manly!" She began to throttle him. "High heels!" She shook him and saw out of the corner of her eye that the Jaffa were watching. "Suspendies?" Lowering her voice, she whispered, "What the hell are suspendies anyway?" The Jaffa opened the cell door, two of them pulling her away. "And a bra?!" She turned to the Jaffa. "He wants to wear a bra!" She kicked one of them between the legs, he fell to his knees and she finished him off with a boot in the face.
"Strapless, Daniel?" Jack asked, as he dropkicked the second.
"I could not walk in high heels," Teal'c added, grabbing the third and throwing him, headfirst, into a wall.
"I think it would be fun to be a lumberjack," Jonas grinned.
"Me too," Daniel nodded.
The two archaeologists hit the fourth Jaffa in the jaw at the same time, knocking him cold, and high-fived.
Jack couldn't resist. "We should torture them."
"Ala the Spanish Inquistion," Sam chuckled.
"They would not expect that," Teal'c intoned.
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" They all shouted, as they ran out of the cell and headed for the 'gate.
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General Hammond just stared at his flagship team as they exited the 'gate. All five were singing....
"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day."
Hammond walked to the nearest phone. "Doctor MacKenzie, do you have a few moments to spare?"
FIN
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