Disclaimer: Of course I don't own them. I only play with them and let them have a little fun. }
The Gambler
By The Huntress
Authors Note: This is what happens when you watch a Sgt. Bilko marathon--the classic TV Series, *not* the movie, and you have lots of free time the next day at work....and this is probably the most ridiculous SG fic ever written, but I don't care. It killed off an afternoon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It all started with a simple question....
"Jonas, what exactly do you do with your spare time?" Daniel asked, more then a bit curious.
"Well, today I’m writing a new computer program for Colonel O’Neill. Later, I ’m picking up his uniform at the dry cleaners, stopping at Safeway for your groceries, and rewiring the cable box so you get free Pay-Per-View."
Daniel wondered how he had missed all of this in the time he had been back. Since when did Jonas do Jack's errands?
"Tomorrow, I’m taking Molly to the vet for her shots, giving her a bath, washing and ironing his shirts, mowing the lawn…."
"You don’t have a lawn Jonas."
"The colonel’s lawn...your lawn. He says I should weed and feed it, and sprinkle granules to prevent red ants."
"Why?"
"He says red ants bite."
"No, Jonas, why are you doing all that for Jack?"
"He says that's what friends do."
"Really?"
"Yes, really." Jonas said it with such innocence, that Daniel gaped at him. How could Jonas have been around Jack for so long and still be so trusting? "Doctor Jackson, is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes. Since we share this office now, I think it's about time you called me Daniel and had a cup of coffee with me."
"I’ll have to do that later Doctor...Daniel. It’s twelve o’clock."
"And what happens at noon?" Daniel was almost afraid to ask.
"I have to go get Colonel O’Neill his lunch."
Daniel did a double take. "Why can’t Jack get his own lunch?"
"He says it’s too far for him to walk."
"I see. Jonas, you know what, there is something you can do for me."
"Okay," Jonas said, a big smile on his face.
"Could you catalogue these samples from P3F-551? I need to rest my eyes."
"Your eyes Doc...Daniel?"
"Yeah. I was descended with my previous vision." Daniel rubbed his eyes. "And they’re kinda tired."
"As soon as I get the Colonel’s lunch."
"Jonas, I’ll get his lunch. Don’t worry about it."
"Uh, okay. But...."
"But what?"
"The Colonel wants a burger today, and he doesn’t like mustard or onions on it. The last time, I brought him one with everything, and I had to get him another one."
"Don’t worry Jonas," Daniel smiled, "I’ll make sure Jack gets the lunch he deserves."
"If you’re sure."
"Oh, I’m sure Jonas. I am most definitely sure."
Daniel went to the commissary with an evil grin, a 'Jack-grin', getting a burger with *nothing* but mustard and onions.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jack was in his office, surfing the net, as usual, when Daniel walked in. Daniel placed the plate in front of Jack, who glanced down, opened the bun, put it back, then went back to the screen.
"I don't like mustard and onions, Jonas. I told you that. Go get me another one. And stop at the candy machine and get me a Crunch bar. And the vet called. Ya hafta have Molly there by nine, which means leaving the mountain about seven. And add Oreos to the shopping list. I forgot 'em, and they're Daniel's favorite cookie." He paused, going to a web site. "There's an Avalanche game tomorrow night, and I wanna watch it, so after you give Molly her bath, make sure you have the cable box done. You don't have to pick up my uniform before Friday, because I won't need it 'til Saturday night. Oh, and the oil in my truck needs changing. So take my truck to pick up my uniform, then take it to the mechanic." He snickered. "Don't worry, I'll reimburse you for anything you have to lay out." Another web site. "Use the Wisk on my shirt collars because the 2IC at Cheyenne Mountain should not have 'ring-around-the-collar'. Kind of embarrassing at my last staff meeting...General Vidrine noticed."
"Eat the burger Jack," Daniel said.
"Huh?" Jack whirled around, eyes widened at Daniel.
"I said, eat the burger."
Jack just nodded, and bit into it, making a face. "I hate mustard and onions."
"EAT!"
Jack ate.
"Now, I am making plans with Jonas for the next few days. Don't panic. I'll be home every night. I don't need you and three SG teams tracking me down, thinking I've been kidnapped, like when I went to the bookstore and lost track of time. Thanks to you and a half dozen marines, Barnes and Noble has banned me from their stores...in all fifty states. I'm just thankful they didn't sue the military." Daniel paused. "Sorry for rambling. Anyway, you'll have to do all your own errands. Understand Jack?"
"But Danny...."
"Don't you 'but Danny' me, Jack O'Neill! Since when is Jonas your personal gofer?"
"He likes doing stuff for me. He said so."
"Jonas likes doing things for everyone. He doesn't know how to say 'no'. And judging by that snicker, just how much money do you owe him for the...errands he's been doing for you?"
Jack ducked his head, stuffing a piece of burger into his mouth.
"Jack?"
(Mumble)
"HOW MUCH?!"
Jack finished his burger, making the most godawful face. "Yechh! Look Danny, he doesn't need money. He never goes anywhere, so he doesn't need it."
"Maybe if he had some money, he'd go somewhere."
"If who had money?" General Hammond asked from the doorway. "Daniel, don't worry about money. I have arranged for the Pentagon to give you all your back pay, in full. Until the funds arrive, I will give you whatever money you need. We General's make an obscene salary." He paused, smiling at Jack. "Would you ask Jonas to pick up a few things for me at the dry cleaners? I know he has to pick up your uniform for Saturday. Oh, and please tell him my cat is being declawed, and he needs to pick her up at the vet this evening. My brakes need realignment, and he knows where your mechanic is, so he can take care of that as well. You know what, never mind Jack. I have to see him anyway. I picked out the new color for my living room and he can start painting on Sunday."
"You too?" Daniel stared at him.
"Hi," Sam smiled, coming in. "Has anyone seen Jonas? I know he's picking up your uniform, Colonel, and he can pick up mine as well. If he's going to Safeway, I have a small list." She paused. "I wonder if he'd mind going to the drugstore?"
"Yes, he would mind," Daniel almost growled. "Jonas and I have plans for the next few days. You can all pick up your own damned dry cleaning, take your own pets to their respective vets, and take care of your cars yourselves." He stormed out of Jack's office.
"What did we say?" Sam asked.
"Aww, Danny thinks we're taking advantage of Jonas."
"We don't do that," Sam smiled.
"That's what I told him," Jack nodded.
"I usually give Jonas money so he can get something for himself," Sam said, with a small smile. "When we go out, he never seems to have any and I know everyone pays him for running their errands."
General Hammond thought for a moment. "I was going to pay him two hundred dollars to paint my living room, but maybe I should make it three."
"I give him ten dollars for picking up my cleaning."
"I paid him twenty to wash my car," Hammond smiled. "How about you Jack? How much do you pay him for helping you out?"
"Uh, well...."
"General, I'm sure whatever we pay Jonas, the Colonel pays him more. Jonas does so many things for him."
Jack gulped, feeling his face growing warm.
"You know," the General said, "he's been here over a year. Perhaps it's time he had a salary. He *should* have some money to spend."
"He deserves it sir," Sam said, as she and the General left Jack's office.
Jack quickly got out some paper, and did some quick figuring. "Let's see, twenty dollars for each time he mowed the lawn, ten for each dry cleaning run, ten for the truck...." He figured in the grocery trips, and called the vet to find out how much for the last three visits, nearly having a cardiac arrest when they gave him the total. "No wonder the guy's broke." He made a quick trip to accounting, asking for yet another advance (he had already taken six) on his salary.
The girl was new, and didn't know who he was, and gave him eleven forms to fill out, in triplicate. He knew the drill, he could fill out those forms in his sleep. When he was done, he brought them back and she smiled at him. "Thank you. Now, just get either General Hammond or Colonel O'Neill to sign them and...."
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Jack took them back, and approved them all.
"No, General Hammond or...."
"I am Colonel O'Neill!" he snarled.
She looked at the forms, and then up at him. "Oh, okay. I need two forms of ID sir, and a witness. Before we can give out this kind of cash, we need a witness. Regs, you know."
"I've never needed a witness before."
"Have you ever requested this much money?"
"Well, no," Jack sighed, then saw Lou walking past. "Hey, Feretti! C'mere!"
"Yes, my Colonel? You bellowed?"
"Sign these. I need a witness."
Lou looked at the forms, seeing the dollar amount. "Shit Jack, who'd ya knock up!"
"Sign the forms and shut up!"
"Okay."
"Umm, I need to see some ID sir," she told the Major.
"Oh, I don't have any on me." He shrugged at Jack. "Hey, we just got back from a mission, and I don't take my ID or wallet with me. I've yet to go anywhere they take VISA."
"I'm sorry, Colonel. But I can't give you these funds without a witness."
Jack narrowed his eyes, temper flaring. "Now you listen up, and you listen good. You are going to approve these funds, or you are going to be mopping floors for the next month. Do I make myself clear?"
She met his glare. "Now *you* listen up and *you* listen good. I need a witness before I will give you that money. And right now, it's *my* lunch hour!" She was out the door before Jack could reply.
"Oh wow," Lou grinned, "what a woman. I gotta get to know her better." He ran out the door, heading to the commissary.
"But...I'm the colonel," Jack pouted. He glanced at the other people in the office, but they all buried their heads in their work.
"Jack?"
Jack turned, grinning. "Danny! Do you have ID with you?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Hey you!" Jack stared at an Airman.
"Umm, yes Colonel?"
"Doctor Jackson will be my witness. Daniel, sign here."
Daniel squinted, trying to read the papers. "I don't have my glasses Jack. What am I signing?"
"Just sign!"
"No! The last time you asked me to sign papers for you without my glasses, I found out I was liable for a second mortgage on the house and that I co-signed for your new truck."
The Airman giggled, but one look from Jack shut him up.
Jack pulled Daniel aside. "Look, I'm trying to get an advance to...."
Daniel backed up. "Uh-uh. Find another sap."
"I'm gonna pay back Jonas for all the stuff he's done for me, okay? I had a...an attack of conscience."
"You don't have a conscience Jack."
"Yes I do. And its voice sounds just like yours. Now, will you please sign?"
"Are you sure it's for Jonas?" Daniel was leery. "I know you've been placing bets with Tommy DiNardo. I told you two years ago that I wouldn't pay anymore of your debts, remember? Next time he gets to break your legs."
"I don't owe any bookies, I promise. I've been on a winning streak for the last few months."
The words, 'I promise', convinced Daniel, and he sighed. "Okay. Where do I sign?"
Jack gave him the pen, Daniel signed, Jack got a stack of bills and the two men headed down the hall.
"I'm sorry for yelling before Jack."
"Danny, I lied."
"You owe your bookie?! I'll break your legs myself!"
"No! I...Hammond and Sam, I found out they, and everyone else, pay Jonas for doing their errands. So I figured I should pay him too."
"You felt guilty."
"No...yes," Jack admitted sheepishly.
"You *do* have a conscience, my colonel. I knew it!"
"Shhh! We can't let anyone find out."
"Does your conscience *really* sound like me?" Daniel asked.
"Always has Danny. Now, what did you do with your glasses?"
"I'm not sure."
"Let's go to my office then."
"Your office?"
"Yeah. When ya told me they sent you back with your...previous vision, I had a dozen pair made up for you. I remembered how you always had a habit of misplacing them."
"Aww Jack, you do love me."
"No, I don't. You make me crazy."
"You love me."
"I hate you."
"You love me."
"Okay, I love you. Satisfied?"
"No, satisfied is what I'll be after we get to your office." Daniel grinned, turned the corner ahead of Jack and promptly walked into the wall. "OWW!"
Jack just looked heavenward, shaking his head. "You couldn't have given him 20/20 vision? He's gonna get a concussion one day." He placed an arm around Daniel's shoulder, kissing his forehead, upon which a lump was forming. "C'mon, lover. I'll get you some ice...again."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Sir!" Jonas grinned. "I was just on my way out to get your groceries."
"Uh, Jonas, about those errands you've been doing for me...."
"Yes sir. I like doing things for you."
Jack grinned at Daniel. "See! Now I can call Tommy about the Jets game. Bye Jonas."
"Jack?" Daniel's warning tone.
"Okay, okay. Jonas, you need to take this money. I figure this should cover everything that you've laid out for me."
"I don't need the money now. I calculated the odds on the horse races and went to see your bookie person. I won ten thousand dollars."
"TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!"
"You've been placing bets?" Daniel asked, eyes wide.
"Yes. The colonel said I could win a lot of money and I did."
"Did Jack tell you what happens if you lose, and can't pay the...bookie person...back?"
"No."
"Jonas," Daniel said, "if you lose...."
"I'm gonna go with you when you collect," Jack interrupted. "And we'll take Teal'c. And a P90. And a Zat. Actually, I think we should take a few SG teams."
"Where are you taking a few SG teams?" General Hammond asked.
They all turned to him.
"To the bookie person, General," Jonas said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Excuse me? Jonas, have you been placing bets?"
"Yes General Hammond. I won ten thousand dollars on the horse races."
Hammond glared at Jack. "And just *who* introduced you to gambling?"
"Colonel O'Neill, sir."
Jack swallowed hard, not knowing what to say, so Daniel spoke for him. "We're giving it to charity sir. Jack figured that Jonas could pick the winners and we could split it up between various groups."
"Really? Becoming altruistic in your old age, Jack?"
"Yes sir! That's me!"
"And which charities are you giving it to?"
Daniel smirked at Jack, then smiled as he looked at the general. "Greenpeace, Save The Whales, Save The Dolphins, a few African wildlife preserves...."
Hammond nodded. "Daniel, you are still the biggest bullshit artist I have ever met...next to the colonel here. Can I trust that this *won't* happen again?"
"But I like gambling General Hammond!" Jonas said. "It's fun and profitable."
"Did anyone tell Mister Quinn what happens if he loses?"
"I pay it back when I can," Jonas said.
"No Jonas." Hammond shook his head. "They break your legs."
"My legs sir?" Hammond nodded. "I didn't know." Jonas grew wide-eyed. "I don't want my legs broken."
"Now see what you did Jack?!" Daniel snapped. "Come on Jonas. Let's go get your money."
"Danny, they're not just going to give you ten grand."
"Yes they will Jack." Daniel smirked. "I'm gonna go get Teal'c and SG2 before we go."
He and Jonas left, and Hammond glared at Jack. "*What* were you thinking? And why did you take another salary advance?" He narrowed his eyes, staring down Jack like a father with a trouble-making son. "What did I tell you about dealing with a bookie? I can't have men and women showing up at the front gate, insisting on seeing you at all hours of the day and night. You already owe the Air Force two months pay in advances, I have instructed accounting that they *can't* give you anymore without my approval *and* that they won't wake up on another planet if they refuse you."
Jack chewed on his lower lip like a small child. "But sir, Jonas is pretty good at doing that. He's picked *every* winner, on *every* game, in *every* sport, for the last five months."
"*Every* one, Jack?"
"Yeah. He can't lose. And I didn't know he would go see my bookie. I took him there once."
"And this particular salary advance?"
"The errands he's been doing." Jack shrugged. "It seems I'm the only one who hasn't been paying him."
Hammond shook his head. "How could you take advantage of Jonas? The boy has done everything he could in the last year to please you. Everything except...."
Jack flushed red. "He offered sir, but I turned him down."
"I don't want to know. Do you have any idea what I go through for you when I go to the Pentagon? They rant and rave about you and Daniel's relationship, and it's only the fact that the Asgard and the Tok'ra intervened, that you aren't in Leavenworth. Hell, Senator Kinsey wants to burn you at the stake."
"Kinsey's an ass."
"Yes, but he's the ass who may very well be our next CIC."
"No he won't," Jack muttered.
"Oh? And I suppose Jonas calculated the odds on the next presidential race also."
"No sir, although that is a thought. Thor said that *won't* happen. He said the Asgard will ensure that Kinsey doesn't make it to the White House."
"We're getting off topic here. Jonas is a good kid. Don't take advantage of him."
"Yes sir," Jack said softly. "I won't do it again, sir."
"Colonel...." It was a warning.
"I *won't* sir."
"Now, about your bookie...."
Jack closed the door. "Permission to speak freely, sir? As Jack, not Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond nodded. "George, I will ensure that nobody comes to look for me here regarding personal business. You can tell me what to do on base, but you can't tell me what to do in my private life, unless it affects my duties as 2IC."
"Stop whining Jack," George said, ignoring his petulant 'son'. "If Jonas had lost his bets, they *would* have found him and put him in the hospital. Did you consider that?"
"No, I didn't."
"We've known each other a long time, Jack. I don't care what you do in your personal life. I never have. You *know* that. And I know if something happened to Jonas because of you, you'd regret it."
Jack's eyes wandered the room, finally settling back on George. "Yeah, okay. Sorry."
"I know." George paused, thinking. "Since we're speaking freely, did you say he's picked *every* winner in the last five months?"
"Yeah. But he can't predict the future, like last time. If he could, he would have known that Nurse Bigones, I mean, Binghams, would have given him that black eye when he grabbed her...." Jack flushed red again. "Anyway, I don't know how. He won't tell me."
George mumbled something about Las Vegas.
"Uh-uh! If anyone takes him *there* it'll be me. I have two mortgages on my house."
"No Jack, you have one. Daniel has the other."
"Yeah, well, it's his house too."
"Yes Jack, I know." George paused at his next words, a little hesitant, reminding himself that he *was* in charge of this base. "Do you and Daniel mind not...getting frisky...on base? I've had complaints."
"They're just jealous," Jack smirked, remembering he was talking to 'George'. "They all want my Danny. And I can't help it George. He's just so cute sometimes."
"Well try. I don't want to see him sitting in your lap in the commissary, while you feed him strawberries. You need to stop necking with him while you're waiting for the Gate to dial out. And you...in *my* office while I was away."
"You told me I could use it while you were gone."
"It smelled like a whorehouse when I got back. What did you do? Move in for the weekend?"
"Are we General and Colonel again?"
"Yes."
"Well then," Jack opened the door, "all information assimilated sir." He gave his CO a crisp salute. "No more bookies. You have my word."
"I'm glad to hear that Colonel."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Jack was getting frustrated. Not only was his salary attached to pay back his advances, he couldn't place bets with his bookie, (which was *really* frustrating as Jonas kept telling him who all the winners were going to be) and he was slowly going broke. He thought about getting someone else to place the bets, but just knew, that somehow, George would find out.
Although Daniel was making the second mortgage payment, (he didn't want to be homeless ever again), he refused to make the truck payment, and Jack had gotten a repo notice.
Jack thought long and hard, popping a few braincells in the process, and that's when the ideas started to come....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two days later, George Hammond sat down to breakfast in the commissary. He heard whispering, and noticed that people were staring at him while he ate. He shrugged it off, ate, and went to his office.
The moment he left, Jack spoke up. "Okay, who had pancakes?!"
"I did," Siler and Griff shouted.
"Jonas, pay the men."
George realized something was going on at every meal he ate. He finally cornered Major Feretti in the parking garage. "Okay, Lou, why are people staring at me while I eat?"
"Uh, well you see....umm...."
"Spit it out!"
"Jack's laying odds over what you'll have for your meals. But don't tell him I told you. He'll kill me."
"Thank you Lou." The General opted to not even discuss it with Jack, high blood pressure just wasn't worth it. He decided to start eating his breakfast at home, and bringing a bag lunch. On those nights he had to eat dinner on base, he could have sworn he saw money changing hands the moment he sat down with his plate.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
George came into the mountain on a Tuesday morning, smiling at the Airman on duty.
"I see you're driving your Jeep today sir."
"Yes," George smiled. "The car is in the shop."
The moment he drove through, the Airman made a phone call. "Jeep, Colonel."
"Damn!" Jack muttered, hanging up the phone. "Six people bet on the Jeep. He *always* drives the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Friday, the General decided to wear his blue shirt instead of his white one. He left his office, going to see Jonas, and heard the conversation in Jonas' office.
"Blue shirt today, Colonel."
"Who had blue, Jonas?"
"Paul and Sam. Everyone else had the general in a white shirt."
"Only the two of them? Cool." Jack calculated their cut from this particular pool. "And who is Major Carter...dating...this week?"
"Umm...." Jonas blushed red everytime Jack asked. "Captain Dunagin."
"Pay off Feretti. He's the only one who had Dunagin. Oh and Jonas, did anyone ever explain the facts of life to you? You blush more about sex then is healthy for a man your age."
"It's not the sex, sir."
"Then what?"
"Uh, it's you sir. And Daniel. I, uh, I've been thinking about...see, I...."
George peeked through the partially open door, seeing Jack standing behind Jonas, who was sitting at the desk. Jack lay his hands on Jonas' shoulders, massaging slowly. Jack leaned in close to Jonas' ear. "I have no problem with sharing, but Danny might. How about you come to dinner and we all discuss it together?"
George's eyes widened, and he backed off, not wanting to see or hear any more. 'I just got used to Jack and Daniel. Now it's going to be Jack and Daniel *and* Jonas. The Pentagon is going to freak.' As far as the gambling, he thought about the conversation he and Jack had had. 'George, you told him no bookie. You never said he *couldn't* gamble.' George had a thought, smirking to himself. 'Well, Colonel, two can play at that game. Let's see how *your* 2IC feels about you betting on her sex life.'
He went to see Major Carter, and told her they were speaking off the record, as 'Sam and George', and that she could speak freely, no questions asked. A short while later, he was shaking his head in disbelief. Not only did she *know* about the pool, she was upset because she had lost.
"I had Janet place a bet on Major Thomason. I was so sure we'd go out to dinner. But then SG12 had to go on that mission and I was out a hundred bucks!"
George left, wondering if MacKenzie did group therapy. He was finally convinced, after eight years, that Cheyenne Mountain was filled with nuts.
~*~*~
George began to hear about betting pools on everything: From the cafeteria Daily Special (just what *was* in the stew anyway?) to what day and hour SG teams would return from missions, even one pool as to which weapon Teal'c would choose for a mission...Staff or Zat Gun. Teal'c killed the pool by taking both.
About the only pool Jack wouldn't go for, was whether planets would have trees prior to MALP video; he knew that 99.9% of them did. God, Jack was beginning to hate trees.
George *didn't* know that his office smelled like a whorehouse for a reason; Jack was renting it out every time George left Colorado. Half the base thought it was kinky to 'do it' in their CO's office. Jack had to give the cleaning crew triple pay, in cash, to make sure it smelled fresh when George returned.
Jack was also renting the Gateroom for midnight poker games, at sixty dollars an hour, with the 'always-on-duty-and-doesn't-he-ever-sleep' Sergeant Davis getting a percentage.
Daniel, being he was Daniel, insisted part of their profit go to charities. He and Jack finally agreed on thirty-eight percent...Daniel's age. When this put a dent in his profits, Jack recruited the rest of his team, along with Janet, and they had a brainstorming session to come up with some ways to make money.
It had taken eight years, but Jack had finally managed to corrupt the upstanding people around him.
For fifty dollars, Jack let people get 'beamed up' to an Asgard ship when it was in orbit. One hundred got you a tour; two hundred, and you got to shake Thor's (or any other Asgard's) hand. The Asgard were *not* unfamiliar with the concept of gambling (they had their own version of Las Vegas) and they loved Jack as one of their own.
The newest Asgard ship was called the 'Jonathan' (they promised they *wouldn't* blow this one up) and they also now had ships called the 'Danny' (Jack's idea), the 'Samantha', the 'Jonas', and the 'Charlie', which had made Jack cry. They apologized to Teal'c, but even the Jaffa agreed that a ship with his name would piss off the Goa'uld.
Jack convinced them to call their next ship the 'James Tiberius Kirk'.
Teal'c, who had been gambling for years on various planets (and gave Sam the address for a planet that made Vegas look like a ghost town) would show anybody 'Junior' for a hundred dollars, but this was quickly upped to two hundred when the demand became too high. But Jack *did* have a conscience; a fifty percent refund was given to anyone who threw up or passed out, and pregnant personnel were not permitted...those women would get a free viewing after they gave birth.
Daniel, sweet and innocent Daniel Jackson, was *totally* corrupted by his CO/lover. He also had a different attitude towards things since his return, deciding that his life prior to his ascension had been too 'straight-laced'; that he constantly missed the proverbial 'smelling of the roses'.
In other words, he was a boring kind of guy.
The moment he was human again, he realized life was too short, and he wanted to have some fun, do something deranged, shock people, make them take notice.
Smearing chocolate all over himself and making Jack lick him clean, then fucking Jack senseless late one night, had been a good start.
Jack pointed out to Daniel that he was extremely overworked and, compared to the private sector, very underpaid. So Daniel followed the example of his fearless leader...Jack, not George.
There were four other linguists at the SGC, yet everyone *wanted* Daniel. So he made a decision. Unless the help was actually *needed* (which wasn't often), all SG teams (other then SG1 or SG2) had to pay fifty bucks. The cost went up to one hundred if the language was over a thousand years old, and two hundred if it was a 'dead language'. For alien languages, he charged by the word.
SG6 had to write an IOU when they brought back an ancient parchment. Teal'c told them he would collect from them next payday. He then casually mentioned some of the tortures he had learned while he was Apophis' First Prime. SG6 told him not to worry; the payment would be there on time...earlier if possible.
Daniel was also renting computers and printers to new recruits, telling them it was 'SGC policy', and that ink cartridges and paper were extra.
Sam was charging five dollars every time someone wanted to know how the Gate worked, ten if they needed a scientific explanation on anything, and for fifty, she told the female recruits how to avoid their hair getting messed when they travelled through the Gate. They made a small fortune on the latter.
Jonas was giving lessons in computer hacking for a hundred an hour, but that had to stop when someone sent everyone at the NID a *very* graphic slash story about Simmons' ghost and Senator Kinsey, and photo manips involving the two men and a goat. No one claimed responsibility, but Jack suspected that a certain blue-eyed archaeologist did it. And, after discovering Daniel's secret life as a Sentinel Slash writer, he knew for sure.
Janet would give shots in the arm, instead of the ass, for fifteen dollars, and for forty, she and Sam shared a kiss. This, however, was to pay for Cassie's college education, which would commence the following year.
It backfired, sort of, when they kissed for the third time, and Janet tossed Sam on one of the cots and began to ravish her.
If you wanted your laundry done at the SGC, Siler charged three dollars a pound; those BDU's weighed a ton.
Lou and Griff, those stalwart Marines, got the bright idea to charge for ammo at the practice range and Jack agreed, giving them twenty percent of the ammo concession. Paul Davis, stationed at Cheyenne Mountain permanently now, suggested that they rent out the practice weapons as well.
The prices ranged from five dollars for a .22, to fifty for a P-90 or MP-5, to one hundred and fifty for a Zat. If you wanted to use Teal'c's staff, you had to pay seventy-five for the lesson and twenty bucks a minute to use it.
SG9 wrote the colonel a note, offering to pay five hundred bucks each if Jack gave Daniel a 'tonsil-sucking kiss' in the Gateroom. Daniel refused. Then they and SG10 got together and offered a thousand apiece, but Daniel still said no. Jack gave him a blow-job in the elevator, but still got a no, so he finally gave up...on the voyeurism, not the blow-jobs. Everytime George left the base, Daniel was walking crooked within the hour.
Within four months, Jack's truck was paid, he and Daniel owned the house free and clear, Sam owned a learjet (under her brother's name), and Janet had prepaid for five years at Colorado State. (Cassie's grades weren't that good, so Janet figured on more then four; she explained it as a 'winning weekend' in Las Vegas.)
Jack and Lou bought O'Malley's, (with Teal'c as the 'silent partner') and Jonas was now driving a '64 Mustang convertible, which was all he wanted. (He was also now living with Jack and Daniel, but nobody questioned it...except for Cassie. She asked them where Jonas slept; the extra bedroom was now a study.)
Thanks to Jonas' computer skills, no one in the government knew. As far as they could see, all were still poor and in debt.
But, as with all good and profitable ideas, the shit was about to hit the fan....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
George began to hear things around the SGC...when he went to the bathroom, when he lurked about in the halls late at night, when he secretly eavesdropped on the new recruits; he always wanted to know how new people liked Cheyenne Mountain.
After some of the things he heard, he decided to pay Jack a visit. If anything odd was happening, Jack O'Neill would know. Jack knew *everything* that went on at the Mountain. He also had his hand in every pot, sort-of-speak.
He entered Jack's office, seeing a few notebooks strewn about, then noticed the PC was on, even though the screen was off. There was a sticky note attached...*DON'T TURN OFF*. He sat down, turning it on, and saw two distinct icons. A Harley and Marvin Martian. 'Jack and Daniel,' he thought. The two had the same logos on their motorcycle helmets. 'Boys,' he smiled to himself, 'just what are you two up to now?'
He clicked on Daniel's file, and found what looked like an accounting program. He didn't understand it and exited, clicking on the Harley.
He found two subfiles, the first named PAYDAY:
Airman Carstairs: 200--Thor
Airman Summers: 40--Sam & Janet
SG11: 97--Laundry (Starch in shirts extra)
Lt. Parsons: 2 Staff (Dropped first time; give 30% off next use)
Airman Willow: 95--Four Clips/P90; 40--Sam and Janet
SG14: 320--Sam & Janet (2X)
Lt. Pallet: Free Coupon--6 Months Along
The list went on for four pages, with Sam and Janet's names popping up all over the place. He wondered what the two women were doing to become so popular, but decided he was better off not knowing.
The second subfile was named UPGRADES:
Junior = 250
Laundry = 5/lb
Starch = 2/ea shirt
Gaterm: 85/hr
DeathGliderSim: 500 (1 HR)
This list went on for two pages.
George's mouth dropped open. 'A Death Glider Simulation? Is he insane?' George closed the file.
"What is going on here?!" He headed out of the office, and began to ask questions. Not of his older personnel, but of the newer ones. *They* would be afraid of him; not like Jack and Lou, and their respective teams, his 'eldest children', who ignored him most of the time and did what they pleased.
A recruit named Anders asked him why they couldn't get free ammo at the target range, and what was a Zat, and why did it cost money to rent one.
Airman Filson smiled as she told him that 'The fifty bucks was worth it. I exited the gate, and my hair looked perfect'.
Lieutenant Starr mentioned that he thought the Asgard would look tougher, although 'beaming up' was a fun thing. He was also embarrassed because he fainted after seeing Teal'c's symbiote; but he was happy he got a partial refund.
SG20, the newest team, said that their translation wasn't done and asked if they could please have a linguist of their own.
George got confused and suggested they take it to Daniel, but they said they couldn't afford it; the manuscript was in an ancient (and alien) language, and the price Daniel quoted was too high.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN QUOTED?!!"
Major Armitage shrunk away. "We won't have that kind of money until payday sir," she said softly. "And we were told since we're new, we have no credit line."
George opened his mouth, then shut it. Anyone that knew him would have sworn steam was coming out of his ears. But he calmed, smiling at the Captain. "Could you explain that to me?" And she did.
When George told Lieutenant Farnsworth his shirt was dirty, he shrugged, said his home washing machine was broken, and he couldn't afford to get his uniforms washed at the base until payday.
Major Linden said that his report was done, but he had no paper, his account was maxed out, and Daniel wouldn't extend him any more credit.
Captain Kling bitched that she had twins, so her husband, Major Kling, should also get to see Teal'c's symbiote for free.
George had had enough. He was still in charge at Cheyenne Mountain, no matter what Jack O'Neill and anyone else thought, and he intended to make sure everyone knew it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
SG1 walked into Jack's office, seeing the general at the desk, the accounting program open.
"Wrong office!" They turned to leave.
"HOLD IT!"
They all froze.
"*What* is this?"
"He made me do it!" Daniel shouted.
"Made you?" Jack fired back. "You were the one who started charging for parchments!"
"Doctor Jackson, did you tell SG20 that you would translate something for one thousand, eight hundred and twenty-seven dollars?"
"Uh, yes sir, but it was an entire paragraph."
"Major Carter, did you, or did you not, give a class entitled 'Beauty tips from beyond the Gate', to all female recruits, at two hundred and fifty dollars each?"
"No sir."
"No?" George cocked an eyebrow at her.
"Well, sir, there were a few men in the class also. Doctor Canon has long hair and...."
George stared at her, until she looked away, and turned to Teal'c. "Did you threaten SG17?"
"No General Hammond, I did not."
"Then why," George growled, "are they in therapy with MacKenzie after having nightmares about Jaffa torture techniques?"
"Perhaps they misunderstood me, sir. I was merely explaining what they might encounter should they be captured by a Goa'uld."
"You are all confined to base for the next month. I have a few planets for you to explore, starting with P7F-671."
"It's full of trees sir!" Jack yelled. "There isn't one spot that doesn't have a tree!"
"Yes, Jack," George smirked, "nothing but trees. And from what SG13 told me, the birds there are twenty feet long and bird shit weighs about as much as you do. And since it's full of trees, and there is constant shade, none of you will be taking hats."
"And after?" Daniel asked, hiding behind Jack.
"P3G-114."
"The roach planet?" Sam asked, feeling her skin crawl.
"They don't bite." George narrowed his eyes. "They're just annoying."
"What about him?" Jack asked, nodding to Jonas.
George turned to Jonas, who, unlike the rest of his team, was smiling and bouncing happily.
"Mister Quinn, did you instruct the cafeteria cook as to how she could hack into Emeril's computer and steal his secret recipes?"
"Yes sir!" Jonas said proudly. "Did you notice that the food has improved in the last few months?"
George smiled at him. "Good job son. I haven't enjoyed military food like this in...well, forever."
"Jonas *is* coming with us, isn't he sir?" Jack asked, with just a hint of menace. "After all, SG1 now comprises *five* members."
"Of course he is Jack. And he can bring some of the secret recipes with him."
Jonas stopped smiling and bouncing.
"And you'll be joined by Doctor Frasier, Major's Feretti, Griff, and Davis, and Sergeant's Siler and Davis. I think those two should experience Gate travel. They've been here long enough."
Jack's eyes widened as he saw the techs removing his computer.
"You Colonel O'Neill," George smiled, "will be doing your work for the next three months on paper...with a pen and inkwell."
Jack swallowed hard. "Yes sir," he squeaked.
"If I *ever* hear about *any* type of gambling on this base again, you will all find yourselves living on P7H-619."
"General Hammond," Teal'c said, "that world is controlled by the Goa'uld."
"Yes," George nodded, "I know."
He left, and Sam shrugged, and grinned.
"At least I still have my jet."
"IT'S BEING CONFISCATED!" came George's shout.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Two days later, Jack was approached by an airman who wanted to know if the Gateroom was available Saturday night. Jack disappeared before the airman could take his next breath. His bookie called, and he hung up, then checked the phone for bugs. He was in the store, buying a scratch-off lottery ticket, when he glanced up, and saw George walking in. He gave the ticket to the clerk and walked out, avoiding his CO.
The sales clerk scratched it off and won five thousand dollars.
Captain Fleiss had a date Friday, and needed her hair perfect after she returned from her mission. Sam tossed a bottle of hairspray to her and ran for the protection of Janet's office. Everyone avoided Janet if possible; they were *all* getting shots in the rear now.
Daniel did nine translations, and paid the teams as thanks for bringing them to him.
Jonas had nightmares for two weeks and Jack and Daniel got no sleep. Not that that was a bad thing; comforting the Kelownan after these dreams was a comfort to all three of them.
Teal'c went about his business...sort of. He spoke softly, smiled at people, (which scared them even more then his usual look) and gave staff lessons to anyone who wanted them. He also gave Major and Captain Kling an introduction to Junior, on the house.
On the bright side, O'Malley's business tripled with the introduction of Jell-O wrestling.
The Asgard kept to their word. The 'Danny', 'Samantha', and 'Jonas', were all destroyed during various War Games, but the 'Jonathan' remained intact. And the 'James Tiberius Kirk' was the finest ship they had ever constructed, telling O'Neill that with it's new drive, it would 'boldly go where no Asgard had gone before'.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Epilogue, two months later
"C'mon Jonas. Which horse?" Jack was getting antsy, looking around, paranoid. He could have sworn he was being watched. If he got caught doing anything remotely related to gambling, even playing Lotto, he'd be an Airman in Antarctica, sharing an igloo with Makepeace.
"Number six."
"Jonas, are you sure? The odds are forty-to-one."
"Yes Jack."
"Well, you haven't been wrong yet today." They stood on line to place the bet. "The General, and Daniel, said I couldn't place bets anymore, on *anything*. They didn't say *you* couldn't."
Jonas placed a two hundred dollar bet, and he and Jack headed back to their seats.
The older gentleman looked around, dark glasses on, placing a bet on number six. He turned to go to his seat, and walked straight into Jack and Jonas.
"Gambling sir?" Jack asked, smirking at his CO.
Hammond cleared his throat. "I like horses Jack. Nothing wrong with that."
"No sir. I did notice, however, that you've been placing bets directly after we have. I mean, after Jonas does. I haven't placed a bet all day." He nodded to the ticket in Hammond's hand. "Number six?"
George Hammond sighed. "Yes, number six."
"Cool. Come join us." He snickered. "And if the rest of you would care to join us, feel free."
"Thank you O'Neill," came Teal'c's voice.
"You have a big mouth," Daniel said.
"Well come on Daniel," Sam added. "Bet on number six before the race starts."
"One hundred dollars on number six," Janet said, placing her bet. She turned to her CO. "Hey, the way Cassie's grades are headed, I have another year of college to pay for." She smiled at Jonas. "So, who's going to win next Sunday's big game...."
FIN
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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